"The light at the end of the tunnel is probably an oncoming train." _______________________________________________________________________________ -- The Argus Lifers Rulebook, Version 2.0 -- _______________________________________________________________________________ "Your guide to everything that has been, is, and will be going on in Argus" Written by: Luvblondi [Meem] meem@gnu.ai.mit.edu Co-written by: Slaine [The Stranger] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Genesis - History Version 1.0: Written and completed by Luvblondi, meem@gnu.ai.mit.edu. First additions while still in writing by Blackhawk and (20-Oct-91) Netrunner, those founding fathers... (sing God Bless AmeriKKKa) Version 1.1: Added in additions by Slaine, L'Etranger everywhere else (The Stranger for those non-French speakers) in format, did some (27-Oct-91) spell checking. Version 1.2: Minor corrections, spell checked (thankfully) -- did not fix "random capitalization" problems. Thanks to Mikado for spell (28-Oct-91) checking it for me. Version 1.3: Mods made from numerous users, generally improving the look and feel of the file. Major additions by Slaine once again, (30-Oct-91) along with modifications from myself. Re-spell checked by Poole and numerous more errors were caught. Version 1.4: New stuff added in, including 5.03 sub-sections, by someone who has chosen to remain anonymous (but you're loved anyway). More (01-Nov-91) contribs by Slaine, and a few more grammatical errors fixed. Because 2.XX and 10.XX were getting intertwined, I reformatted them. Version 1.4u: An update of 1.4, corrected almost every grammatical and spelling error in the file (never say every). Carefully (05-Nov-91) researched to make fluent sense. A transitional edition between 1.4 and 2.0, this file was basically made because I can't stand errors all over my file. Came closer to fixing confusing "is it we that wrote it or is it I that wrote it" problem which plagues this file. Version 2.0: For now, be-all-and-end-all version. I have added a number of things, although I could not think of much that needed to be (08-Mar-92) revised and/or changed. Added an "Argus Slang" section. I renamed it to: "The Argus Lifers Rulebook , Version 2.0" If anything new on the Argus front breaks, you can be sure Meem will be here to cover the action play-by-play. This version was a long time in the making for five (5) reasons: (a) Valiant attempt at having a life killed most free time. (b) There wasn't a great deal to add. (c) I'm a lazy fool who didn't feel like spending time writing a file. (d) I was embarrassed that since this release took so long, people would expect something of it. (e) School was there and I was with it too much of the time. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DISCLAIMER: If you don't like reading about yourself, or think this was written because I'm out to get you, STOP here. This was written with a sarcastic flair and should be interpreted with such. It's meant to reveal the truth, not to change it. I spared no one from being insulted, including myself. THANKS TO: Coca-Cola, Hostess Company, Pringles, Jolt, Metallica, Aerosmith, Van Halen, Megadeth, Godflesh, Ozzy Osbourne, and numerous other bits of music and food that made this possible. Thanks to all the above parties mentioned as improving each of the above respective versions, especially Slaine for all his insight. Although the number of people who have contributed to this file is too long for a "THANKS TO:", I thank all of you for your input. UPDATES: Send all updates and new information to: Luvblondi at Argus, or meem@gnu.ai.mit.edu. If you want to receive new versions of "The Argus Lifers Rulebook", then please send me mail at Argus or via Internet. MAILING: If you would like the "The Argus Lifers Rulebook" mailed to your personal e-mail dropsite, please inform me, and I will add you to "the list". After receiving it, it would be appreciated if you deleted the message containing the file or forwarded it to a friend. This is because it ties up lots of Argus disk space to have about 100 copies of a 65K file out there, and I don't want Argus Administation on my back. I encourage you to share this file with anyone you think might enjoy it. ONLINE COPY: You can find the most recent "The Argus Lifers Rulebook" in the /COMEDY SIG. CORRECTIONS: If you find any spelling errors, typos, and/or grammatical errors in the following file, please point them out. This has been worked on extensively to be well written, and informative. If you find any imperfections in the document, things I could have added, or anything else, send me your comments and ideas via Argus or Internet as well. This file can only continue to prosper with your help. ARGUS Argus is located in Lexington, MA, in the [617] area code. It runs on "The Major BBS" BBS software, and supports 57 lines, on COMPUTERIZED which 300, 1200, and 2400 bps, sometimes even with MNP is supported. All of this is run off of a 486 33 MHz EISA machine EXCHANGE: with a 1.36 Gigabyte SCSI II hard drive. It has been up since around April 1989, and I have infested it since June 24th, 1989. Even though it's free to the user, one can deal, I suppose. If you would actually wish to call Argus Computerized Exchange, dial: 617-674-2345 (Hunt for lines 1-57) 617-674-2359 CBC (Computer Based Communications) help line ARGUS LINE To get on any Argus line you want (if it's open) you can do the following: Take the argus line number you want and add 15 to it. FORMULA: Keep that number in mind, then dial "674-27" followed by it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Suggested uses for the document you have in your possession now [ Tallied up from my own private uses of it ] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1) Use to keep beverages on to avoid creating cup-rings on tables. 2) Find all the spelling errors, inconsistencies and typos. 3) Hand out to all new users for a list of upcoming Argus pleasures they get to enjoy and live through. 4) Make it into wallpaper to show off to all your friends. 5) Low usage of 4-syllable words makes it a great gift for functional illiterates! 6) Leave it lying around the office with "RAUNCHY SEX TALE" scribbled in crayon on top sheet. 7) Use it as a makeshift diaper for brother who has the "runs". 8) Hand it in as a creative essay, each time to a different teacher. 9) Tear up into little pieces all over room to give cleaning people something to do. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ -- The Argus Lifers Rulebook -- 1.00 Computer Insults: Related comments to the superiority of one piece of technology over another. These comments are usually made by users who are looking for an ego boost, and/or are inflicting an ego boost upon other users of their clan. 1.01: Computers: Often in the Animal House people with good computers must announce it to everyone else in the channel. This will, without exception, start a computer war. Another easy way to start one is to mention software (i.e. "I got LSL III TODAY! IT RULZ!"). Each computer seems to draw its own set personality of users, here are some of the more common ones: Amiga: Believe that their machine is superior to any other on the market today, and that everyone should own an Amiga. Seventy percent of the people who own them start wars involving them JUST TO PROVE how "superior" a machine it is. Apple: Have the basic "We know it sucks, but it's the best we can do for the money" syndrome. This computer is the one that usually gets ragged on the most. Often cited for its MHz rates as a "Slowness to be compared to" or in the IIe's case, being "obsolete". Atari ST's: These people are usually quiet, choosing neither to hide or immaculate their computers. Occasionally a battle occurs when drawn into conflict with Amiga users who deem their computers much too high even to be considered in the same class of the Atari ST's. There's usually bloodshed, and it is well advised that you run for it whenever such a war breaks out. Commodore 64/128: Have an attitude very like that of Apple users. They are well aware of their computer's lack of power. Thankfully, a very popular following in its younger days prevents most people from yelling about how it was a "lame" computer. Most users use the fact that they own one as their "excuse" for not being able to type. Researchers have proven that the Commodore 64 keyboard is in fact, detrimental to good typing skills. Unless fingers are at least six inches long and thickly calloused, you run the risk of breaking your hands even utilizing the simplest vocabulary. IBM: The most common computer found on Argus, by a longshot. There are many different types of IBM users, hence it's hard to lump them in. Generally, they are proud of their investment, but won't announce it to the whole world. (EXCEPTION: Most users with VGA or higher graphics modes, a bigger than 50 meg hard drive, and/or 386 or higher, tend to have an Amiga flair to them.) Macintosh: Ninety percent of these people think they must announce that they own a "Mac". They vary from Amiga users in that they feel they must include it in their handle to prove how proud they are of their investment. Usually they don't brag much about their machines once they are online. (Probably because every time they say something, they advertise for their glorious machine.) Macintosh II: These users seem to be a dreaded hybrid of the Amiga and Mac SE/512 users, blending all their bad qualities into a swooping pit of advertising, showing off the power of their machine, while having a handle containing its "pet name" for further bestowed glory. Misc. Computers: Most of the owners of ancient "older than the crust on your underwear" computers tend to keep quiet. The Timex Sinclair, TRaSh-80 and CoCo owners all huddle into a quivering mass in the corner of the Animal House, speaking a language which only they share. It should be strongly suggested that you avoid them like the proverbial plague. 1.02: Modems: Another thing of common debate is a user's modem. Often users find it necessary to rag on people's bps rate. Before we go any further, it is needed to be known that if you own a 2400 bps modem, and are ragging on people for owning a 300, that's pretty lame, because 2400 was state-of-the-art four years ago. Anyway, the common rates are 2400 and 1200 bps. There is very little 1200 and 2400 bps bashing, and some users (Usually the ones who type like "!!!1!!!!1!!!") find it important for them to ANNOUNCE what bps they are at in the middle of the Animal House. Also, many users who have faster than 2400 bps modems like to run INIT checks on them while online just to show how superior a technological device they own. 1.03: Keyboards: Many users find it compelling to annoy any users who can't type fast, or who have broken keyboards. One must keep in mind that this is considered "Bad taste" even for people in the Animal House. Also, some "Uzers" find it vital for you to know how many keys are on their keyboard. Usually after keyboard counts, it becomes essential for users to run off a test of their typing prowess on the keyboard, typing keys in alphabetical order, hitting return after each letter. 2.00 Typing Mentalities: This means the style in which someone generally types when on Argus. This varies greatly depending on the user, the mood he or she is in, and the speed and proficiency of one's typing. This is distinguished (although there may be some overlap) from section 10.00, User Mentalities, because this discusses the way a user types or the things a user types, rather than his/her/its actual character. 2.01: "Z" People: Most commonly referred to as "Z" people, these are the wanna-be "WAReZ" d00ds that infest Argus. According to them, the letter "S" does not exist. Everything that can, will be spelled with a Z. Along these same lines, there are users who use 0's instead of o's, o's instead of 0's, users who type in "MiXeD CasE" and users who use "X" instead of "CKS" endings on words. (And this is by no means a comprehensive list.) Common sentence: "From Warezdood: Hiyaz all! Call the WEZ g0Tz WAreZs Up uR buTz BBS, 24oo 0nly, ElYte Uzers Quik Validati0nz!" 2.01a: Often Warezdoods will start up the conversation about warezZZz just so the usual debate can ensue. Occasionally though, they may lie idly around the Animal House, playing with themselves until provoked. 2.01b: You will occasionally see what is called in the trade as "warezZZzbaYte", which baits the "warezd00dz" from hiding. Once the appropriate warezZz-call has been sent, i.e.: "Dewdz, gut sum neu wareZzzzZZZ!!!!!!!!!!...!!!!", and the prospective d00d flushed out, commence to circumcising the peon online and watch its ego deflate minus five PSI. 2.02: The Exclamation Gang: This class finds it necessary for everything they write to have millions of !'s after them. This is considered very crude. Also, these same people find it impossible to "grip" the shift key while pressing the [1] key, resulting in this being a common message: "From Ldyblu: HI NET!!!!!!!111!!1!!11!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!" [Truncated for space-saving measures] RELATED NOTE: After many years of research, people have confined the majority of the exclamation gang into an area known as the /NATURE SIG. Here, other punctuation epileptics gather and preen in some bizarre mating ritual, staccatoing their 'sentences' with other forms of punctuation in addition to the exclamations. Periods and question marks are also being abused in this manner. Sadly, not even 40 punctuation marks for every letter can help the typical user understand just what is so exciting, puzzling, or declarative in this SIG. 2.03: Abbreviators anonymous: This is the most popular "cult typing style" found on Argus. In this style, everything conceivable is abbreviated. (i.e. "R" for "Are" 4 for "For", 8 for "Ate") 4 xampl: "From Staci: Oh I luv this song 2! OH mi god!!!!!!11! R u ok Jolly?" 2.04: Indecisive users: These users really can't decide what style they want so they end up an odd blend of cultural classics, often using "u" one moment, "you" the next, "R" one moment, and "are" the next. A good example of this torturous and perterbing style can often be located in private channels with users who have "* /P 4 /I *" (where *=Wildcard) in their channel topics. 2.05: Macro-Users: This class of people are generally bored, and/or just trying to attract attention. Most commonly, macros will be run in the Animal House just to get attention. Sometimes they are ads for something someone is trying to sell, or some BBS that wants callers or users. 2.06: "Spell-Right" Users: To give the impression of some form of "human" intelligence, a cult group (of which I am a member) has taken up the habit of actually trying to spell correctly. This until now unheard of Argus style is starting to gain momentum. Spell-Right users tend to be very protective of their spelling errors, refusing to look up words in the dictionary that might prove their contorted spelling's incorrect. 2.07: Action-Only Users: These users logon to Argus just to type the action commands. Like some strange cult, they usually log on and off all at once. Mainly while online they keep quiet, only occasionally bursting out with a new batch of actions. These actions are usually sexual towards the few babes there are on Argus, and it has been proven that these users get almost orgasmic through their furious spewing of actions. 2.08: The Singing Users: A strange breed. They call Argus, enter the the Animal House, then proceed to "sing" lyrics incessantly. They are very involved in their work, not responding to anyone who addresses them, typing their little hearts out. Prepubescent users of the feminine persuasion have been tagged and known to inhabit this territory solely. For what purpose? It has this grizzled Argus veteran shaking his head as well. After the first few quotes of the latest Bryan Adams, Nelson, Poison song (ad nauseam) they are "forgotten" by most other users, except other singing users, with whom they compare notes on whether it's "this word, because it sounds like that word". 2.09: The Caps-Lock Gang: These users are evidently incapable of finding the key marked CAPS LOCK, hence they sit around typing in capital letters constantly. These users tend to be wanna-be Argus Rebels, as they do their best to bash on everyone, while misspelling profusely. When the inept user's next message appeared sans CAPS, it brings the crowd to its collective feet. Some people wonder why using all capitals is annoying, the reason is that it blinds and becomes frustrating to read these messages, especially when more of the CAPS Gang is in attendance. One should be wary of the day when a CAPS-user and a Singing-user breed to create a hybrid, the Singing/CAPSLOCK-user. References have been found to this mythical beast in the Book of Revelations, 13:1. (Serious. Read it.) 3.00 User-Bashing: This is one of the most popular things to do on Argus and even so is difficult to define. Here are some general categories to go on though: 3.01: Insults relating to one's mother, one's race, religion, and so on. This is pretty boring and tedious and usually just done by some wanna-be Argus Rebel trying hopelessly to attract attention. 3.02: Insults relating to someone's personal appearance (usually referenced from a "geek-meet" (Argus get-together)). Usually ends up in a major war, most often ending in someone saying that he/she/it did something to the other one's respective parent the night before and it was "great". 3.03: Insults relating to one's current intelligence or lack of it. This one comes up the most, and generally happens after one user with a lot on one's mind gets annoyed by another user (even unintentionally) and gets pissed off. A little more intellectual than above, but not as enjoyable. USERS TO WATCH FOR: When user-bashing is done well, it can be a thing of beauty. Users Ttrgrmmtn, Luvblondi (Initial author of this phile), Slaine (Major Contributor to this phile) and Netrunner are the ones to watch. The way they stalk bovinic unsuspecting users with such fluid grace makes this Argus-voyeur one happy camper. But, sadly enough, the prey are a bit too dim-witted to understand what exactly has just transpired, and are usually left to wander harmlessly. It is considered rude to "forget" them, unless they enact a macro-frenzy and fill up the scroll with (repeated) babble. 3.04: Insults relating to one's sexual powers: Usually one of the most primal sorts of arguments, although that doesn't detract from the humor factor. When a user who is in the (13-25) age range is insulted by another user also in the (13-25) age range, a sexual potency contest usually develops. Flying through the air with such ease and grace, some of the more award winning lines are thrown by "Slayer", we suggest you watch his online abilities in this department. 4.00 Chat-Related Side-Topics: Let's face it, chats are a part of everyday Argus life when people actually want to talk, instead of incessantly saying "Hey" "Bye" "R e" and "AFK" to each other. Chats tend to range wildly from the passionate to the combative to _almost_ standard human behavior. (I *STRESS* almost) 4.01: Chat Warring: The ultimate geek macho sport! Come one, come all, see who the dork is with the best term program! Yes, it's the ever popular Chat Warring! Well, it is good for getting rid of annoying users. It this tends to pass in fads for some unexplained reason. There are four main forms of chat warring, they are: 4.01a: "^H" Chat Warring: Done by overloading Argus's buffer with the delete key, by using a macro. More effective than other methods, but often not liked by the olden day chat warrior. 4.01b: "-" Chat Warring: Done by overloading Argus's buffer with the "-" character, by using a macro. Not as effective as ^H, but the first form of chat warring. 4.01c: Variable Rate Chat Warring: Sometimes 1200 bps will take on 2400 bps, and what have you, creating a "variable rate chat war". Unless the slower speeds macro kicks all butt, it is very rare to see a fair battle. 4.01d: Same Rate Chat Warring: Much more common, preferred. A 1200 vs. 1200 or a 2400 vs. 2400, like they are classes fighting each other, each with their massive and potent medal-winning leaders. 4.02: "Hot Chatting": This is an occasionally popular form of "Computer Sex" where two users go into chat together and get each other off. It's pretty stupid in general, but none-the-less an Argus hobby for some. Please note that this is known in the trade as "Chatsturbation". USERS TO WATCH FOR: It has come to my attention that while 'hot chatting' is only a step up (or below) 900 phone sex numbers, a few users deserve merit for exhibiting carnal prowess on the keyboard. Badgirl and Bann are hereby given status as Argus-Nymphomaniacs, deserving all the laurels bestowed upon them by their flocking male-harems. The Argus-virgin is advised to ask Badgirl to relate her 'Trunk' story, and hold on for the ride. 4.02a: Sexually-deprived male chat: These are the majority of chats. It usually involves the male saying quick bursts of "sexually stimulating" commentary like the ever popular "Ripping off your clothes and shoving it in". Wow, a real thrill-a-minute. Women who are not repulsed by this and are sexually deprived themselves just add the occasional "Oh Baby, oh baby. It's SOOO big". 4.02b: The Fireside Chat: Some chats involve adventuresome males. These few are the ones who seduce women slowly, and tend to stay with the same woman for a while instead of doing them all at once. In chat they usually set scenery and it becomes more like reading a romance novel. Once they have seduced their female, phrases like "quivering velvet" and "love muscle" abound in a rampant fury of sexual desire. PLEASE SEE: Females, if you wish to have some effective male disposal methods, see the end of this file for a rather comprehensive listing. 4.03: Regular Chatting: People who just like to talk about each other, or just need someone to talk to. Although you would expect this to be the most common form of Argus chatting, this is evidently not the case. 4.04: Password Stealing: Often users are dragged into chat so the other user can perform a fake "system failure" so the user must wait and the system pseudo-resets within chat. A buffer of a fake Argus logon screen appears, and the user types in their username and password. Good in taking away the Argus idiots. 5.00 Sexual Related topics: Created by those wild, horny nerds that inhabit Argus is such abundance. This is just a sampler of the plentiful desires and wanton lusts that fill Argus to the brim: 5.01: Gay-Bashing: Often many users find it necessary to go off on peoples' sexual orientation for no particular reason. Usually, they're /f'ed within a few minutes. On rare occasions, they stop. 5.02: Usual Flirtations: Forty percent of Argus scroll is taken up by kisses, hugs, nibblings, and all other sexual actions. Usually this is started by the male genre and "echoed" by the female species. Sometimes fun, but often annoying. 5.03: Argus Studs: Among a crowd of 57 people, there are always a few who choose to inform the Animal House of their lovetool which was bestowed upon them by their parents. When one fool starts, others crawl, hobble and stumble out of cyberkinetic holes into Argus the Animal House, hoping to find some Argus babe who is impressed by their supposed sexual clout. 5.04: Pestering Flirtations: These are macros made just to try to online "rape" an Argus geek-ette (God knows why) -- These users are close to the bottom of the barrel, and are usually found on Friday or Saturday nights, when even most geeks can find a life. It saddens my lascivious heart to see some Argusphytes even changing their entry or exit messages to read something like: "Dogboy enters looking for Medusa." These users pout and sob when their favorite Argusette is not online, and leave with the equally pathetic: "Dogboy leaves not having found Medusa." 5.04a: The married user who utilizes modern technology in his eager attempts to get some action on the side by propositioning apparently female users. (See section 10.10 to clarify why the word 'apparently' was chosen) USERS TO WATCH FOR: Scorpio sets the standard in this category. His unabashed advances on many innocent female (and transvestites who are not so innocent) users, has been brought to the researchers attention. Apparently, Scorp's massive libido and zest for licentious affairs has led him to Argus, land of milk and honey, much like a moth to a flame. But, sadly, if his wife, mired in wedded bliss, were ever to hear of his 'affairs', his phone line might not be the only thing cut off. 5.04b: The user who pages or whispers to 'female' users incessantly with the ever-popular "Hiya gorgeous!!!!!!!!", but never has anything else to say. The researchers of this guide are collecting more data as to why someone who has never seen you, would call you "gorgeous", "babe", or any other number of flattering compliments. It has been attributed to another side-effect of the male sex glands. These users will typically get offended when ignored after their initial burst of platitudes. These users could save themselves some time and brain cells by putting their "witty" comments in macro-format and resending them to every available Argusette. 5.04c: The Hot-Chat Addict: Usually these folk let you know what they want fairly quickly, an indication of their sexual stamina no doubt, and stop pestering you after one or two rejections. These users who believe in opening conversations as "What are you wearing?", must be the same ones who in real life have clever things to say to women like "Where did you get those legs?" -- questions that can strike even the most voluble female dumb with their witlessness. 5.04d: The Perverts: Really, I mean, I've heard about sexual reorientation, but these people need help. I'm referring to men on Argus (adults) who decide to prey on teenage boys. They usually start off whispering "Do you like the taste of head?". If you choose not to answer, no need, they will continue for you, assuming that no news is good news. Luckily, most are easy to spot and can be picked off at the root. Once the peon has been spotted by the channel as a whole, the rest of the channel usually degrades itself to discussing their sexual equipment to impress the female geeks. 5.05: The Orgy Channels: These used to run more rampant in the olden days, but occasionally one will be cited. In here, the leader is usually a sexually stunted or deprived female who starts the channel with up to a half a dozen other males. (6:1 ratio) The female will spout sexual provocations at the males, hoping to work them up into an online orgasm, which is usually indicated by a long string of line noise. When you have six males and one female, a lot of times it gets confusing, with two or three males trying to fill the same hole on the female. This impossibility usually goes unnoticed in the moments of sexual frenzy produced by the sexy feminine pixels landing on the male's screen. 5.05a: The "Real" Men: These are the men who frequent the orgy channels. They spend most of their time trying to get some "new and unexperienced" female user into chat and seduce them before they know what happens. When this fails, they seek out old users, and bug them with inneundos in whispers till they are '/f'ed' 5.05b: Teens: Male teens who usually have 'Sex, girls, and parties' written all over their registries. Usually trying to get some poor woman or female teen to hot-chat them. Just your usual sexually-repressed teen. 5.05c: The Teasers: These are usually females who use 'actions' and flirt in whispers, taunting others. They go for usually three to four males at a time in the Animal House, not really hotchatting, but being flirtatous enough to keep the male's interest. WARNING: These are often deprived males impersonating females for odd sexual pleasure. Please stay aware of this "Teaser Rule". 6.00 Line Noise: One of the more interesting elements of Argus Computerized Exchange is the fact that it takes place over the public phone lines, hence it often falls victim to what is known as "line noise": 6.01: Real Line Noise: Honest-to-God line noise. Little glitches of noise in your telephone connection creating a "burp" of random characters to appear on your screen. Easily recognizable. 6.02: C/W Line Noise: This is the line noise that appears right before a user will get cut off with Call Waiting. It's often a short "burp" then a "NO CARRIER" flag followed by the user vanishing dramatically from the system. 6.03: Equipment Failure Line Noise: If Argus's equipment is in some way failing on a given day, it's not rare to have Argus create line noise from its Galactiboxes. It happens in the summer more than anytime else, probably due to heat. Sometimes, phone lines are bad or "cracked" and create constant streams of line noise. Solar flares and hovering UFOs have been linked to Argus line noise problems. 6.04: Fake Line Noise: This is usually created by a user for attention. It is noticeably fake unless it has been carefully crafted to follow the standard line noise form. Sometimes the easiest way to get "fake" line noise is to produce it via 6.05. 6.05: "Picking Up" The Phone Line Noise: This line noise is created by either the user, or someone else in his house picking up the phone, creating varying amounts of line noise depending what else is going on that the phone's receiver may hear. 6.06: Using LN for Phun and Profit: This is an ingenious way to get out of those spots when you don't want to look like an ass by just saying, "I have to leave now, bye." You can do the above example, then use a NO CARRIER macro, and hang up without offending the user whom you are trying to avoid. Taking a flat hand and mushing it against the keyboard is also a great way of simulating line noise. 7.00 Argus Jokesters: This section encompasses the evil tricks which those "ever-so-nutty" Argus folk employ upon each other to the great dismay of the rest of the channel. 7.01: Standard Fakes: Fake messages are the messages that aren't sent by the username it says, but from another user in the channel. This is done by spacing over perfectly so the "***" and "From (username):" come out ending up on the first column of a new line. Example: >From Meemness: This is a fake (Spacing over) *** (This added for realism) (Spacing over) >From Bloorf: Well yes, I do love you honey. (End of fake.) 7.02: Fake Actions: Exactly the same except ACTIONS that people fake. Often these are made up raunchy actions done by desparate users in a rampant fit to try to rape a female user online. 7.03: Fake Sysop Messages: Some of the more humourous fakes. Usually these users have authority complexes and think they are Sysop. Also this is done to try to scare unsuspecting Argus bait. Often, though, users who do Sysop fakes once too often get suspended from Argus, to the great glory of Argus Administratia. 7.04: Fake Whispers: One of the easiest fakes to perform. It's still a favorite, especially with new users. Just simply add a (whispered): at the beginning of one of your normal messages, and see how many users you whisper "Huh?" back at you. One of the best lines to use is: "(whispered): I think I'm going to have to expose my romantic interest in you, I can't hold back my sexual desires for your every curve anymore." 8.00 Music sucks or rules, TV sucks or rules: Basic media arguments, debating over which is the best and which, according to Argus, "Suck cock." 8.01: Music Sucks or Rules: The Argus Animal House seems fascinated with the idea of arguing over mindless and opinionated topics. For example? Music. Here are some common wars: 8.01a: Certain type of music sucks or rules: Usually the following types: pop, rock and roll, metal, hard rock, alternative, thrash, ska, country or rap. This often involves two musical extremists, visciously battling it out in the Animal House. 8.01b: Certain band sucks or rules: These arguments are usually fought out between two or more users who share common music "type" tastes, but do not agree on a certain band or group. 8.01c: Certain musical player sucks or rules: with the exception of solo players, this war is usually fought between a certain member of the band sucking or ruling. This usually revolves in some remote fascination with the person, i.e. Marky Mark's infamous chest. 8.01d: A certain song sucks or rules: Usually fought out between either people involved in parts 8.01a, or 8.01b. The most pathetic form of Argus musical debate by far, as it matters not, and lasts forever. 8.02: Movie Sucks or Rules: Second most common form of media-related arguments on Argus Computerized Exchange. Often users will take sides and start up on this one. Everyone participates, for even if they have not themselves seen it, they will go on "trusted friends'" opinions. 8.03: Radio Station Sucks or Rules: Often late at night this one comes up, or if someone goes "GREAT SONG ON BCN!!!!!!!1!!1!!". This form generally is the starting cue for all the parts of 8.01, for they work hand-in-hand. 8.04: TV show or TV station, Network Sucks or Rules: These come up just often enough to validate their own category. Usually, these are provoked by some user pointing out a certain program that is on a certain station, or someone talking about how much a certain show rules. 8.05: Car Sucks or Rules: Although this doesn't really fit in this category, for lack of a better place to put it, it's here. Basically this starts when a user mentions how awesome his car is and all, and then the next user will say that his is better. Usually this is fought between the rebellious users who are bored and have nothing else to do except talk about their possessions. We all know that seeing is believing. While many Argusspawn do own vehicles, most are not roadworthy to any certain extent, and sit rotting in their driveways, forever promising to "fix that puppy up and take her for a spin". USERS TO WATCH FOR: One contributor to this file has seen a certain user named Reall in action on the highways and biways of this great nation. Avoid at all costs. While she is most certainly not a bad driver, her motto is "Drive Offensively -- Early and Often." 9.00: Argus geeks talk about Drugs and Alcohol: How many times has this happened to you? You're online and sitting there peacefully, when, all of a sudden, a pot-head walks into the Animal House, telling you "Man I'm sooooo high I love you man WEED rulZ man!" Yes, it affects all of our Argus lives to some degree. Here are some common sub-categories: 9.01: Debating Drugs: Debating over whether drugs are good or bad, and beer and/or alcohol in general is good or bad. This argument can lead into section 3, but in general people start talking about their past drug experiences and highlights. 9.02: Debating Kinds: Debating between users or drinkers over which type of drug or beer is the best. This "highly intellectual" conversation is usually started by someone pointing out that they're "SOOOOOOO HIGH..". 9.03: Drunk and/or Stoned Users: This usually creates a commotion within itself as the user boasts just how much of a drinker or drug user he is and how wasted he is. Sad. Usually this user will attempt to chat with any or all females in the House, or beckon them to his private channel with the crass, "HEY BABE! SUCK MY UNIT!!!!!!!!!" While this masculine posing may work in the real world, Argusettes are known for their insightfulness, and sidestep these users like dog-muck. 10.00: User Mentalities: This is one of the most important and hard to understand categories, because it explains why Argus acts like Argus. This section is not to be confused with 2.XX, because this deals with the underlying attitude and mind of the user, not what he/she/it types, although the two are often closely related. There are literally thousands of possible blends, but here are some of the more popular ones: 10.01: Standard Geeks: Your standard everyday Argus dork. What do you expect, it IS Argus and it will hone its share. Surprisingly, the true dweebs sit very quietly and sulk in misery during their online hours. 10.02: Argus Elite: These are the people that hate the people that are in Animal, and claim they are inferior and "icky." they very rarely descend into the Animal House from their high perches atop their private channels. 10.03: Sex-Crazed Perverts: The second most popular form of Argus life: There's nothing worse than a horny geek. These people logon trying to snag the Animal House babes, (God knows why) and basically make the whole channel into flaming pit of profanities. Example: >From Pussyesser: I WANT SOME PUSSY! PUSSY! PUSSY! PUSSY! I NEED SOME NOW! (etc) 10.04: Argus Rebels: These are the people who logon to Argus just to tell you how much you suck, how much they hate geeks, how badly they could kick your ass and how superior they are to you. You learn to ignore these people after a while. Most of them are wanna-be geeks. 10.05: Just "getting into" Computers: This class of users sometimes has the most pleasant ones to talk to. They don't claim to know everything, like the rest of Argus, and its ego. Sometimes though, these users are annoying or turn into a 10.04. 10.06: Normal Argus Users: The standard everyday Argus user. Barely above the geek, but just enough not to be grouped in with them. Not anti-social, and moderately cool. 10.07: Wanna-be Hackers: These people are the ones who pretend to be these wicked hackers and how they've done all this awesome stuff with computers. Ninety percent of these people don't know anything, and those that do are intolerable. /f at all costs. They often talk about GNU and have no involvement in or with it. 10.08: People who take Argus as a Total Joke: Usually these people have a 'real life' besides Argus and are just into computers. They take everything that's done on Argus as a giant joke, and are jokes themselves. Sometimes if they're ragging on someone you hate too, they can be fun. Otherwise, they provide just more annoying sKKKroll. 10.09: Wanna-be Warez/Phreakers/Anarchists: Basically like the Wanna-be Hackers, only, these people talk about codez and warezZZ and all the other things they want to have. These are the people that start up boards for two weeks just for the ego boost, or talk about kodeZz they downloaded off of CompuServe. (See 2.00 for more) 10.10: Transvestites: As we all know, 93.6% of all Argus users are male. However, some of these males have taken it upon themselves to mislead others about their sexuality, thus sating some subconscious need of letting out that woman trapped inside. The exact numbers of these users has not been confirmed, but they are a rarity. In the interest of science, researchers of this took it upon themselves to pretend to be female. With handles like the ones we had, it wasn't too convincing, but the male sex gland has been known to conquer reason from time to time. The results were shocking. We were caressed, kissed, hugged, sent whispers, chat requests, and other forms of pornucopia. We have since changed our handles, all in the interest of science. 10.11: NEROspawn: Typically keep to themselves, unless provoked by abusive others. This breed are college-educated former D&D addicts who have decided to come out of the closet and pretend they are on some medieval quest. They equip themselves with padded swords, thus adding a life-like realism to their role-playing. Some have elaborate costumes and use such terminology as, "Come hither, that I may bask in the glow of your beauty.". I was informed by Montfern that D&D and NERO (New England Role-Playing Organization) have as much to do with each other as "soccer and football". His analogy was so completely air-tight that I had to rethink my own existence on the spot. 10.12: Sysop Tellers: These are usually people whose ages range between two and twelve. If you joke around with them or make a "Fake" (7.01) with their name in it they immediatly go and report you to Sysop for suspension. A typical exaple of this would be: From Tazmanian: Mooo.. *** From Atari: I like to play with my Joystick! (Fake Message) (Few laughs in here) From Atari: I am gonna tell. You are a Jerk head... My Mommy saw that. PAM!!! PAM!!! I got that in my Copy Buffer!! Most of these people are incapable at laughing at themselves, or at other people, and think that everyone thinks they really said it, which is obviously just not the case. 10.13: The Sensitive User: When the teleconferences get fairly hectic, one must take it into his own hands and fire the /f-gun. This function causes you to forget users whom you associate with useless scroll and want to dispose of, thus making it easier to concentrate on persons more conducive to your personality. I have done this a few times and found it rather amusing that I get backlash from the forgotten user at times. Forgetting a user is a privilege and a right. However some feel that in forgetting them, you set yourself on a pedestal and consider them unworthy to acknowledge, tolerate. (This is usually the case. It seems logical to ignore people who annoy you. Not vice versa.) It gives me a rather swelled head when people I have not forgotten send me messages like: "From Cliffslave: Clifford wants to know why you forgot him." I try to be tactful, but how to deal with someone who takes him/herself a tad too seriously? /f him and be done with it. When or if Argus implement permanent /f-lists, it'll be a godsend. One remedy I have found that suits my needs is the "bickering lovers" ploy. Using this practice, it is announced to the entire teleconference that I have tried to ignore the forgotten user for reasons of infidelity. See example below: "From Forgetful: Clifford, just stop pestering me. You know when I caught you cheating on me with the mailman, that was the last straw." From hence forward, the forgotten user will most usually stop with his/her trite complaints about being ignored, and plea for anonymity. Using the /s function, I have seen these folk become reclusive and sulk in their own private channels, thus becoming veritable hermits in the Space Age. 10.14: Vampyres: Yes, not a typo. Vampyres. People who have a penchant for the blood-lust online but turn out to be pale eccentrics wearing Bela Lugosi hand-me-downs. They meet in real-life and squabble over which horror movie is best, which line came from which movie, who was the best Dracula, and when the next Anne Rice book is coming out. >From the lack of activity in the SIG it appears that the users burnout from the tedium and mutate into NEROspawn, wearing padded incisors instead of swords. One featured Vampyre is Anisette, who should be noteworthy of individual acclaim. 10.15: ShinyHappy Users: Some Argus-folk meet outside the BBS's sacred halls and actually interact with one another on a daily basis. They become familiar with one another and 'forget' their friend's handle and call them by their real name : Bloorf just joined this channel! :*** From Conehead: Hey! Tim! The Timster! The Timmeister! :*** From Bloorf: Wow! Ernie! Hey Ernie, how are you?!? This puzzles other users as having a handle allows you to forget yourself for a short time while online, and be someone else. It has been found that these ShinyHappy Users _do_ call each other by their handles while out on the town. Having a nickname is one thing, but being called "Bloorf" and accepting that as your name obviously shows a lack of good judgment. 10.16: Countdown Users: There are three categories of what can only be identified as "Countdown Users". These are users who seem to have this primal urge for users to scream out their lust-crazed passion for them as they make their exit, while counting down furiously. 10.16a: Users who macro-countdown: This first breed merely stores a macro which counts them down to their departure. Annoying scroll is created, but other than that, it's harmless. 10.16b: Hand-counters: These users countdown by hand, then proceed (as if it was original) to go to "0", then "-1" or ".25" as if no one had ever done it before. Probably the type that laugh at their own jokes all the time. 10.16c: Hand-counters who don't leave: This ugly breed can only be described with the word "loser". They sit around, counting down by hand, then proceed to go into negatives, then announce "Just kidding" or "Wait! I don't have to go!" 11.00: Argus Parties: This is one of the funniest Argus common topics, only because it is so pathetic to watch it scroll by. Basically, the Argus party animals crawl out of their holes to logon for the following events, leaving miles of scroll and creating havok. 11.01: Argus Parties/Geek Meets/Gatherings: This is usually the most calm of the three, featuring only occasional macros, advertising the next geek meet. Because it involves other Argus users, unlike the other two, I think this makes users more concerned that if they act like complete dips, someone will beat the living crap out of them. 11.01a: Main topic of scroll conversation the week before Argus brunch "Who's going to the brunch." Main topic the week after the Brunch is, "Were you at the brunch?" 11.02: Vacation: This one tends to be painfully rowdy, where users logon just to tell you it's vacation time, and it's time to party. (Oh God) For example: From Nintendo: VAAAAAAAAAAAACATION! TIME TO PARTY! HAHAHAHAHAHA PARTY *** From Nintendo: VAAAAAAAAAAAACATION! TIME TO PARTY! HAHAHAHAHAHA PARTY *** From Nintendo: VAAAAAAAAAAAACATION! TIME TO PARTY! HAHAHAHAHAHA PARTY *** From Nintendo: VAAAAAAAAAAAACATION! TIME TO PARTY! HAHAHAHAHAHA PARTY *** From Nintendo: VAAAAAAAAAAAACATION! TIME TO PARTY! HAHAHAHAHAHA PARTY (Abbreviated for space-saving measures.) (Imagine message x95 to get full impact of annoyance-factor.) 11.03: End of School or Summertime: This one is only more settled than the above because many of the more rowdy users have already left for the summer. The ironic thing about these end of school or summer ones is that all the Argus party animals figure out just how little of a life they have, and how they've nothing to do but sit around and be bored until vacation is over. 12.00: What produces most of the Animal House Scroll: "Hi", "Bye" and "Re". There really are no sub topics for this one. Anyone who's ever called has experienced the fact that 50% of Argus scroll is "Hi", "Bye", "Re", or people waving to one another. Some users arrive quietly, tiptoeing into the channel amidst the scroll, so they wont be noticed. Others create the scroll with a grand entry. USERS TO WATCH FOR: Users with maximum scroll abilities are Sprite, Ladyhawke and Irish, usually from sexually frustrated males who are looking for a "hot date". A usual hello to one of the previous three looks like: From Richie: Heya beautiful, would you like to go out for a romantic walk in the park with me where we can feed the birds and watch the sun go down in the glorious dusk sky together, just you and me? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Argus "Lingo": For a new user, Argus slang can be quite cumbersome and confusing. Here's a list (alphabetized, of course) of common Argus slang, and smilie faces, also their attempted meanings. Thanks to whoever wrote the smilie dictionary. I placed it in here with some modifications, although it's much like the original. Slang Means in English ----------- ------------------------------------------------------------------- afk Away from keyboard bak Back at keyboard bbiab Be back in a bit bbiaf Be back in a few bbl Be back later brb Be right back imho In my humble opinion lol Laughing out loud oic Oh, I see re Hi again. rofl Rolling on the floor laughing roflmao Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off :-) Your basic smilie. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection. ;-) Winky smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark. More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smilie. :-( Frowning smilie. User did not like that last statement or is upset or depressed about something. :-I Indifferent smilie. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as good as a happy smilie :-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-). >:-> User just made a really devilish remark. >;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made. (-: User is left handed %-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight :*) User is drunk [:] User is a robot 8-) User is wearing sunglasses B:-) Sunglasses on head ::-) User wears normal glasses B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses 8:-) User is a little girl :-)-8 User is a Big girl :-{) User has a mustache :-{} User wears lipstick {:-) User wears a toupee }:-( Toupee in an updraft :-[ User is a Vampire :-C User is really bummed :-D User is laughing (at you!) :-E Bucktoothed vampire :-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing :-O Uh oh! :-P User is sticking tongue out at you, nyahhhh! :-Q User is a smoker :-S User just made an incoherent statement :-X User's lips are sealed :-7 User just made a wry statement :-9 User is licking his/her lips :-@ User is screaming :-# User wears braces :-& User is tongue tied. :-* User just ate something sour, User is kissing you :-)~ User drools :-~) User has a cold :'-( User is crying :'-) User is so happy, she/he/it is crying :^) User has a broken nose :v) User has a broken nose, but it's the other way :<) User is from an Ivy League School =:-) User is a hosehead -:-) User is a punk rocker -:-( (real punk rockers don't smile) :=) User has two noses +-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office `:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning ,:-) User shaved the other of his eyebrows off this morning |-I User is asleep |-O User is yawning/snoring :-? User smokes a pipe O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver) O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least) <|-) User is Chinese <|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes :-/ User is skeptical C=:-) User is a chef @= User is pro-nuclear war (8-o It's Mr. Bill! *:o) And Bozo the Clown! 3:] Pet smilie 3:[ Mean Pet smilie E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator %-6 User is braindead [:-) User is wearing a walkman (:I User is an egghead <:-I User is a dunce @:-) User is wearing a turban :-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab) :-: Mutant Smilie .-) User only has one eye ,-) Ditto...but he's winking X-( User just died 8 :-) User is a wizard C=}>;*{)) Mega-Smilie... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft, a mustache, and a double chin ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- QUICK HOT-CHAT REFERENCE CARD! CLIP 'N SAVE! ---------------------------------8<--(cut here)-------------------------------- If caught in chat with a horny male you do not intend to hot-chat with, you have a couple of options: o Chat-war him. It's effective, and usually gets the idea across. o Make a macro saying "Faster! Faster! Ohhh..Harder baby!". It will usually fool the average hot-chatter, and he'll get off on it. o Spout nonsense, it ussually makes them mad, but then, you don't really care, do you? Example: "Wow. Moon, cow, dog. Everything I do I do it for youuuu.....abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz" o Just tell them off. X, then while in the Animal House make general announcements out loud to them. "You pervert! I don't want to hot chat!! You're sick you know " If they have any ounce of dignity, they'll be too embarassed to pursue. o Accidental plagues of line noise that can be caused by macros, lifting the phone, or jingling keys near the modem. This often frustrates the male and makes him move onto his next victim for maybe a faster kill. o Make jokes as to his sexual powers, like: "Wow, I haven't seen one that small since I gave birth." Usually quick and efficient. _______________________________________________________________________________ Meemocity Neverending -- meem@gnu.ai.mit.edu _______________________________________________________________________________